The Mandelbear's Musings

NOT a good week, modulo a couple of things. It started at bedtime last Sunday: I asked Colleen whether she was ready to go to sleep and she had trouble answering. I tried a couple of times and a few more questions, and after five or ten minutes decided to call 911. Good call.

Apparently mental confusion can be a side effect of a massive infection. She was released Thursday. If you're easily triggered by medical TMI, you might want to skip the notes.

After visiting Colleen in the hospital Monday, I drove up to Oak Harbor (for those of you not familiar with the island, the hospital in Coupeville is about 2/3 of the way there from home, so it made sense to combine trips) and picked up my new facehugger. It has a humidifier, a cellular modem, bluetooth, and a very comfortable mask (Philips Respironics DreamWear). First time I've had a mask that didn't leak. That was the first good thing this week.

The second was a very good singing lesson, and the third was making this post about planned projects -- we'll see how that goes.

Thursday was rough. For some reason, after taking Colleen home from the hospital, I ended up both physically and mentally exhausted, and in pain from what appears to be a torn muscle in my left arm that's been bothering me for a while. I was close to the edge, and over it a couple of times, for the rest of the day. Friday was worse.

The fourth (and last) good thing was taking another run at my taxes and finding out that I'm probably not going to owe anything. That, however, was blown all to hell by finding that the latest invoice from the builder was more than I had in my checking account (I'd known that was coming, but it was still alarming), and then taking another run at the budget spreadsheet and finding myself about $1500/month short. It went up to $1900 after I found a couple of cells that hadn't gotten added with the rest of the column of annual expenses. I don't usually have trouble with Friday the 13^th; this year was an exception.

I spent Saturday mostly being desperate and despairing. I'm going to need an income, and sooner than I'd expected. And my self-confidence is completely shot at this point. N finally got me calmed down by telling me to concentrate on self-care for the next couple of days; after that we'll work something out. I remain skeptical about that. After enjoying a year not working and getting very little else done, things don't look good for finding work. The projects list was meant to improve my marketability as a freelancer, but I don't have the year or two it would take to build up a reputation and a steady income.

I'm reasonably calm at the moment, but it still feels like I'm re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Which sank exactly 106 years ago today.

In other news, the copy of The Annotated Thursday that I ordered ten days ago is scheduled to arrive... next Thursday. I have no idea what that is supposed to mean.

Notes & links:

0408Su
  & Awake 3:30
  * Up 4:30; ;
  * fixed bad (DOS-illegal) filenames in /mm/audio.  Names containing "?" are still a
    problem, but I'm not going to try to fix that -- it's best done with a script that
    translates and copies at the same time.  They may be accented characters rather than
    actual question marks. Names containing "." have been quietly truncated, because DOS.
  : Looks like I never remounted /mirror after the last reboot (or some earlier reboot).
    So the mirror copy of /mm/audio is still around if I want to do diffs.  Which would be
    a good idea, presumably.
  : "In particular, the Win320 API disallows * ? as wildcards, \ / as path separators, :
     as stream separator, and < > | " for no good reason" (StackOverflow)
    See also Filename - Wikipedia
  * remember to unlock garage in case workmen are here (originally Monday, but I did it on
    the way down to the car.)
  & 10pm Colleen seemed confused; had trouble answering questions.  Called 911
  : It'll take an hour or so for the blood cultures to come back, so probably won't know
    until around 1:30 whether she'll be admitted.
    -> actually more like 12:55 - she'll be admitted, so I can go home.

0409Mo
  * Up 6ish; W=204.6;
  . still looking for g's phone, which got displaced in the cleaning frenzy.  It's turned
    off, so can't find it by calling.
  * call/text V
  * 10am call hospital and try to get status -> room 2209.  Call back ~10:30 to talk to
    nurse; called the room but no answer. -> she won't be discharged today, and probably
    not tomorrow.  Back to her normal self, but kidney function poor; doing ultrasound to
    check for damage.
  & found myself looking in the fridge and wishing I had some tappenade for the sourdough
    bread.  So made some.
  * 3:30ish; up at the hospital.  Some overlap with V.  PT was there and got her standing
    up and walking about two steps sideways to reposition her on the bed.  More tomorrow.
  : the network in the hospital is wonky.  http works but not https or ssh.  Using phone.
  * 3:15 leave for Oak Harbor
  * 4pm Island Drug for CPAP - Oak Harbor
    -> very nice Respironics CPAP.  Nice mask (Respironics DreamWear) - sort of like a
       nasal pillow, but with just a slit that goes under the nostrils rather than tubes
       that go into them.  New filter every two weeks; can get a new mask every three
       months.
  : C is still in very bad shape.  Chills.  Confusion.  There was a clog in the catheter,
    and it's impacted her kidney function.  The infection is bad and is going to require
    IV antibiotics over several weeks.  She's getting a PICC line.  Dr. says that the
    confusion is probably a result of the infection and the pain meds, and should get
    better.  I'm scared.
    % I left early, before she got her PICC; I couldn't handle how confused she was.  I
      feel guilty, but I think in the end it amounts to self-care.
  @ How Developers Stop Learning: Rise of the Expert Beginner - DaedTech
    How Software Groups Rot: Legacy of the Expert Beginner - DaedTech
    Unfortunately this sounds a lot like me in places.
    " the common thread is that you have a person or people in positions of authority that
      have the culturally lethal combination of not knowing much; not knowing what they
      don’t know; and assuming that, due to their own expertise, anything they don’t know
      isn’t worth knowing. This is a toxic professional culture in that it will force
      talented or ambitious people either to leave or to conform to mediocrity. "
    Not really; I think it just feels that way.  I know a lot of what I don't know.
  @ Monero Privacy Protections Aren’t as Strong as They Seem | WIRED
    Attacks that unmask anonymous blockchain transactions can be used against everyone
    who ever relied on the defective technique / Boing Boing 
  @ [PATCH v6] kernel.h: Retain constant expression output for max()/min() [LWN.net]
    Mind-boggling implementation of max that detects when its arguments are both constant
    expressions, at which point it can use the simple implementation, which allows the
    compiler to recognize it as a constant expression.
  @ Look for the duct tape
  % 10:30 I keep wanting to tell Colleen that it's time to think about going to bed.

0410Tu
  * Up 5:30ish; W=204.6 ; shower
    Good night's sleep with the new CPAP and mask
  * up to see Colleen; left home ~9:15.  Bought cat litter on the way up.
  * came back leavin 11:15.  (should have left a little later; I'd asked to talk to her
    doctor but they hadn't come by the tine I left.) Updated the kids on C's condition.
  @ 8 Helpful Online Tools To Keep Your Company On Track (Buffer.com is fully
    distributed.  The post is from 2013 and some links have rotted.)
    How We Approach And Support Coffee Shop Working - Open
    From Ideas to Traffic Results: How We Run a Blog with 700,000 Readers Per Month
  @ 8 Ideas for Getting Started on a Side Project And 34 Side Projects From the Buffer
    Team - Open
  @ How We Rethought our Complete Package Structure for Buffer on Android and the Awesome
    Effect It’s Had on Our Workflows - Overflow Buffer
  * bring C's bite guard, ceramic cup
  * Re-arranged shelves and storage in the bedroom.  Apparently the CPAP is supposed to be
    installed lower than one's head, and I also wanted to cat-proof it, so it is now on a
    lower shelf with a shelf at about the same height as the old one over it.

0411We
  * Up 5:30; ;
    : cat cuddle.  Just Ticia; both kittens are in N's room
  @ Washington State Route 520 - Wikipedia today's featured article.
  @ Open Source Marketing Automation: Mautic
  : I've discovered that the best way to deal with cats on the keyboard is simply to use
    the KVM switch (which is only actually used for the USB devices, not the video).  The
    biggest advantage is that it can be done when a cat is already on the keyboard.
  : heard from V -- she broke a rib while gardening.  Should be available next week.
  : Molly gets fantastically better mileage with the heater off.
  * 11ish at the hospital with C.  The PTs had her walking around the room and sitting up
    to eat lunch.
  * 12:45 got a status update from RN and doctor.  Looks like Colleen will be going home
    tomorrow!  Her white blood count is back down to midrange normal (from 3x the high
    end); she will be going on oral antibiotics this afternoon, and getting the PICC line
    out before she goes home.  Whew!
  % ankles aching a little after about a block's worth of walking around the hospital.  (I
    got lost on the way to the cafeteria.)
  x N and kids coming up sometime in afternoon, hopefully.
  * singing lesson - sang Desolation Row (in D; need to work out some new riffs) and Ship
    of Stone (capoed up to Bm).  Some tricky pitch-following exercises.

0412Th
  * up 5:30ish; W=204.6;
  @ The Two Faces of AMP - TimKadlec.com (Responsive Web Design)
    AMP is not the issue, it's Google | Responsive Web Design
  @ Am I Responsive? (Responsive Web Design)
    3 Alternatives to Am I Responsive - Product Hunt
  * C coming home! leave ~8:30
  * bring to the hospital:  2 pairs of briefs, pink bag, dress, purse
  * home.
  % 2pm exhausted both physically and ?emotionally.  Left arm hurts -- again.  Picking
    anything up with it hurts, and is presumably what injured it in the first place.
    -> 6:25pm in retrospect the problem may have been that I was in pain and needed food.
  % 3pm made potstickers; went back out to pick up prescription. `
  @ mermaid · GitBook diagrams in markdown
  @ Open Source Marketing Automation: Mautic
  @ A look at terminal emulators, part 1 [LWN.net]
  % C asking for an empty large glass and having to herd cats made it pretty clear that
    I'm still close to the edge and easily triggered.  I hate this.
  * watch "Musical Brain"
    echo deb http://download.videolan.org/pub/debian/stable/ / >> /etc/apt/sources.list
    echo deb-src http://download.videolan.org/pub/debian/stable/ / >> /etc/apt/sources.list
    wget -O - http://download.videolan.org/pub/debian/videolan-apt.asc | sudo apt-key add -
    sudo apt-get update && sudo apt-get install libdvdcss

0413Fr
  * Up 3:20; S=4:30; cat cuddle
    Probably wakened by C getting up; she has a much easier time of getting back to sleep
    than I do.  Grumble.
  @ "Accessibility with Elm" by Tessa Kelly - YouTube
    Elm: Slides
  & found the Exxon 1099, in the stack that I'd transferred to the musical instrument bin
    Which I'd searched at least twice before, so there's that.  Probably has several
    deduction receipts; there was one from Carleton, at least.
  @ Sturgeon’s Biases – Quietstars – Medium S(L)
  % defrosting corned beef.  Discovered that the bag had broken; had to do cleanup.  This
    for some reason left me in a flaky state.  ok, adrenaline.  Probably.  Possibly the
    combination of adrenaline and trying to carry on a coherent conversation.
  * posted mdlbear | Projects!
  @ wrote README for MakeStuff/blogging
  @ working post-creepy ads, and stuff
    Publishers Haven't Realized Just How Big a Deal GDPR is - Baekdal Plus
    Mark Ritson: This is a critical point in marketers' relationship with data privacy -
    Marketing Week
  : The latest invoice on the remodel is more than I have in my checking account.
    (It wouldn't be if I were better at cashing checks.  But still.)
    The shortfall is roughly what I'm having withheld for taxes; that's where I failed
    % Looked at budget.  feeling stunned.  Big dose of reality.  No rescue in sight..
    -> lowering food, dropping what I send the kids, and getting rid of the pod will
       actually lower the shortfall to less than 1500/mo
  $ ?! I missed the interest paid on the second mortgage from Sound Credit! $2987
  & Followed email link to CDBaby and added sync licensing for YouTube; replaced album art
    on the CC&S page with a player.  Easy.  May want to limit track list.
  * singing (C's suggestion):  The Mary Ellen Carter (my pick)
  & discussion with N on slack mostly about the shortfall

0414Sa
  * up 6:05; S=7:21 ;
  : the cats managed to unplug Raven last night;  guess I'm lucky they didn't start a fire
    or something.
  % crushed(?)
  $ added conventions to the budget; noticed that Mass Mutual wasn't in (spreadsheet fail)
    -> shortfall now nearly $2K/month
  * downloaded dreammapper (CPAP) app, set up account (mydreammapper.com), paired device.
    actually pretty useless.
  : a pile of mail, consisting entirely of packages and first-class including checks, was
    left out on the porch in the rain.
    % lost it.  Managed not to throw anything or scream too much.  Done.
    & rescued everything by taking it out of envelopes and putting each sheet between
      paper towels.  It actually worked.
  ! desperate and despairing
    % self-confidence pretty much gone.
  @ We already know blockchain’s killer apps – Hacker Noon maybe
  * identified several cat-boarding places; we'll need to make sure they all have their
    shots up to date.
  : N and G here for the weekend.  N will be here all week with kids.
    % N got me calmed down; told me to concentrate on self-care for the next few days
  @ My greatest fear is a fantasy | (jesse_the_k)
    " Believing I’m lazy is a fantasy about being well. "
  & moved budget.ods into Private.  May eventually want a Trainwreck directory.
  : My copy of The Annotated Thursday is expected to arrive by... Thursday
    I did not plan that.
  % arm hurting again, so naproxen and heat.
  % didn't do much of anything all day.